Welcome to Orcmid's Lair, the playground for family connections, pastimes, and scholarly vocation -- the collected professional and recreational work of Dennis E. Hamilton

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Creating the World You Want to Live In

The Seattle Times: Business & Technology: Here's how to handle common rudeness.  I’ve been thinking a lot about civility lately.  Mostly I’m looking at where I fail to provide it.  The way I happen to notice how far I have to go is when I am activated by someone else’s behavior.  Which means I end up being no different than what I want to reject.

I suspect that Daneen Skube’s advice on how to deal with rude conduct may be apt, and it bothers me that it is.  I fully subscribe to the first part of her response to a reader question:

Courtesy is no longer common.  The good news is, if you return phone calls and e-mails, respect other' time and keep commitments, you've got a competitive advantage over most folks.

I think of that as willfully intending a civil world by expressing myself in that manner.  I'm living in the world the way I want it to be.  The other part of that, to paraphrase the fellow on my beginning-yoga DVD, is to be unattached to the outcome.  In that respect, I don't want it to matter that

The bad news is, most professionals won't return the favor.

I don't think it works to have any expectation of some quid pro quo.  I take civility as its own reward.  I also find that civility does encourage civility in others.  So long as I don’t expect it.  I think the author is also warning about expectations more than badness.

The next advice is where I begin to stumble:

So you have to set up your business practices to assume rudeness and be pleasantly surprised if you experience courtesy.

followed by some tips.  Some of the advice is for simply making straight talk about the basis for my professional services, providing heads-up on anticipated communication, and establishing when the clock starts and how the end-point is determined, as well as deadlines for orders and agreements to be accepted.  I like how that helps remove unstated expectations and also provides strong notice on how I intend to operate.  I’m not out to catch anyone by surprise. 

Also, I don’t think having declared oneself in a clear way is an assumption of rudeness.  I’m also not out to correct people (though I often forget that).  So I do part ways with this:

By building your business so that courtesy isn't an option but a requirement for people who work with you, you'll screen out people who are demanding and won't value your expertise.

I am not into compelling people about this.  Maybe it’s just the use of language, here, and the outcome is no different, but if there isn’t an arrangement that doesn’t work for all parties, walking away from it should be a fine option.  I want to say that there is a big difference between fussing and projecting about how other people are, or are not, and simply being straight about how I am going to play in any arrangement.  If it doesn’t work, it is good to establish that quickly and we can all move on to more satisfying endeavors. 

It’s funny.  Two people looking at the same situation and maybe behaving in similar ways, all while coming from completely different perspectives.  It seems that the choice among perspectives is up to me.  I want one where I leave myself and those I deal with completely empowered.  That works for me.

posted by orcmid at 5/22/2005 05:54:13 PM